How to handle an adult bully and know when to walk away

Adult bullying is rarely obvious. Here’s how to spot it and what to do about it

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Question: I recently attended a weight-loss boot camp program exclusively for women over 35. The owner-operator was a bully. On two occasions, she attempted to shame, intimidate and humiliate me in front of the group.

How can I handle this type of behaviour if I encounter it again?

Answer: Many people assume bullying ends in childhood. It doesn’t. What changes is the setting and the tactics.

Adult bullying rarely looks like playground taunts. It tends to show up as public humiliation, selective exclusion or misuse of authority, often justified as motivation, honesty or “toughening people up.”

Not every unpleasant interaction, of course, qualifies as bullying. Ordinary rudeness, stress or poor communication are common. But bullying is different. It involves repeated behaviour, directed at one person, that carries consequences, especially where there is a power imbalance.

Adult bullying involves repeated, targeted behaviour where someone uses power to control or humiliate another person. Once that pattern is clear, the priority is protecting yourself, not enduring it or trying to change the bully.

Common examples include:

• Deliberate exclusion. When someone in a position of authority repeatedly ignores your questions or contributions while engaging normally with others, it can be a way of marginalizing you and signalling that your participation is conditional.
• Selective disregard for your time. Chronic lateness, cancellations or no-shows cross from disorganization into bullying only when they are repeated, directed at you specifically and affect your ability to participate or be taken seriously.
• Public shaming. Criticism delivered in front of a group, framed as “accountability” or “motivation,” is one of the most common adult bullying tactics.
• Passive-aggressive behaviour. Backhanded compliments, public jokes at your expense or deliberate delays that undermine you without open confrontation.

Once you recognize the pattern, the next step is responding effectively.

Address the behaviour directly and briefly
A simple statement such as, “Please don’t speak to me that way,” is sufficient. You don’t need to explain, justify or defend your reaction. Over-explaining often gives the bully more room to argue, dismiss or reframe what happened.

Pay attention to what happens next
A single incident followed by a genuine correction may be poor judgment. Repetition after a clear boundary tells you this is deliberate behaviour. At that point, you are no longer dealing with a misunderstanding.

Document what happens
Keep notes of dates, wording, witnesses and context. Save emails or messages. Documentation is not about retaliation. It is about clarity. It helps you see patterns and gives you options if you decide to escalate or disengage.

Consider the setting
In a paid program like a fitness boot camp, you are a customer. Public humiliation is unacceptable. Leaving, asking for a refund or filing a complaint is a reasonable response. You are not obligated to tolerate abuse because someone labels it coaching.

In workplaces or organizations, formal escalation channels exist for a reason. Bullying often persists because people assume nothing will change. Sometimes it won’t, but silence guarantees that outcome.

Don’t get drawn into debates about intent
Whether someone claims they were “just joking” or “trying to help” is beside the point. Impact matters more than intent. Behaviour that undermines, humiliates or isolates is still harmful regardless of the explanation offered afterward.

Know when to disengage
If the behaviour continues despite clear boundaries, leaving the situation may be the healthiest option. Staying in a toxic environment rarely reforms the bully, but it often erodes confidence, motivation and well-being over time.

Bullies rely on behaviours that have worked for them in the past. Silence, compliance and self-doubt are what keep those behaviours alive. When you set boundaries, document what happens and refuse to normalize mistreatment, you remove the conditions that allow bullying to continue.

Not every situation can be fixed, of course. Some environments reward this kind of behaviour, and some people have no incentive to change. Recognizing that early allows you to make a clear-eyed decision instead of wasting time hoping things will improve.

The objective is not to outlast the bully or prove resilience. It is to protect your dignity, your time and your well-being, and to walk away when those are no longer respected.

Faith Wood is a professional speaker, author, and certified professional behaviour analyst. Before her career in speaking and writing, she served in law enforcement, which gave her a unique perspective on human behaviour and motivations. Faith is also known for her work as a novelist, with a focus on thrillers and suspense. Her background in law enforcement and understanding of human behaviour often play a significant role in her writing.